“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
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My plans: 2020:
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.