“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
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Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
At least try to make it slightly believable
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Webb. James Webb.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
6: are snakes just neck?
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?