Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
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“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy