Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
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{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
Social Media and Real life
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.