Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

Previously On Persistence 😎

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

The Struggle

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”