Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
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Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.