[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
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[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.