Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

My husband never answers the phone when I need him!

When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.

SEND HELP!

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.

Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.