“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
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THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”