Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
You Might Also Like
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?