Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease