Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
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One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
I stand by it
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.