Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
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Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…