Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She’s my financial planner now.

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does