nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
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my favorite gender
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.