nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
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Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
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The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
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You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
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It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
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Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
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“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe