Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
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Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
lmfao come on
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No