Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

Baller is short for ballerina

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????

Im out of cotton balls. 😒

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.