Avril Lavigne: he was a boy, she was a girl. Could I make it any more obvious?
Me: *still pretty clearly confused* please do
Nice mustache, bro.
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Cop: have you been drinking?
Cop: please take off your sombrero
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
[a man is having his bloody infected foot amputated]
executioner: you may choose your punishment
executioner: no, like a weapon
me: oh. spearmint
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up.
Being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world. Unless you have a job where the reward is, for example, getting paid.
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.