Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
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Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”