@squirrel74wkgn

Nice mustache, bro.

Her: What?

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@Barknado69

Avril Lavigne: he was a boy, she was a girl. Could I make it any more obvious?

Me: *still pretty clearly confused* please do

@DaddyJew

Cop: have you been drinking?

Me: nah

Cop: please take off your sombrero

@oothikicha

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

@ericsshadow

COMMERCIAL:

[a man is having his bloody infected foot amputated]

Narrator: SHOES

@mister_blank

executioner: you may choose your punishment

me: peppermint

executioner: no, like a weapon

me: oh. spearmint

@NaomiSeu

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up.

@david8hughes

Being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world. Unless you have a job where the reward is, for example, getting paid.

@NewDadNotes

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

@dazedandsincere

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.