Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

Fidel Castro was alive?

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?