“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
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Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.