“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
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i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here