“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
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I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Attacked by a mop.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before