“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
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No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
When the stylist spins you back around