“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
You Might Also Like
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.