ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
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I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.