Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

there has never been a better use of this meme

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

Lunatics are gonna loon.

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.