Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

The fall of Netflix

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.