Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
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Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
still the best tweet of the year by far
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly