Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
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Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.