@itsWillyFerrell

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

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@TrashCave

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

@HardDriveMag

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

@Cheeseboy22

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

@ryangriffiths

People that say “The worst kind of cut is a paper cut” probably haven’t been stabbed in the face before.

@JohnLyonTweets

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

@Sassafrantz

Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!

@trojansauce

[me on my death bed after being trampled at a one direction concert]

please tell people it was auto erotic asphyxiation

@_definitlymaybe

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

@LeBearGirdle

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

@JohnLyonTweets

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.