Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
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You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
🙄😏😂🤣
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Just a reminder, folks: