Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—

ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce