nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
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Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!
Me: *don’t care*
Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie
Me: *jealous rage*
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol