nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
You Might Also Like
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
look at me when i’m typing to you
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Wow 🤣
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.