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“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die