Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
You Might Also Like
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?