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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.