Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
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My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
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I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.