Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

We’ve all been there

[getting kidnapped]

me: you deserve better

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

me: how did he die?

him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants

me: a parade

him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please