“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
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Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D