“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
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“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Mornin
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.