Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
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*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!