Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
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That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Go hard or stay average
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?