Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
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Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.