Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
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The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
What’s so funny?
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*