Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme

I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.