Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

Posting this on behalf of a friend

BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees

Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet

Wife: Have you tried rice?

Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.