Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
You Might Also Like
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
The glockness monster
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
Previously On Persistence 😎
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.