Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
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My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
is there nothing we can trust anymore
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time