Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

Can I get a Hallelujah?

Hallelujah!

Can I get an Amen?

Amen!

Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?

*crickets*

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

*Directing cats*

Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?

Stunt cat: you’re telling me!

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons