Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
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behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this