Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
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Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
My wife gives the best headache.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃