Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
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Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?