Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
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waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?