Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
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I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.