Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
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trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
😏😏😏
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs