Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side

me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

hardest line in real life

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!

ME: My parents never loved me.

POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!

ME: That makes way more sense.

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.