Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
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I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Swedish for common sense.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.