Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
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The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
This took me a second..
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!