Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lot going on here, legally speaking.

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

Stick it to the man

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*