Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”