Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feels like the fourth month in January

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there