Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
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Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Why am I like this?
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Short story
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know