Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.

🍛

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

me: is it cool if i add a little hat

person i’m tattooing: what no

me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who