Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
A leaf blower, but for people.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.