Nice try Hitler
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I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I’m about to risk it all
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!