Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
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Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.