Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
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[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
You are what you eat! (If anyone needed more encouragement to eat the rich.)
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt