Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
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Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
well this is just bullshirt
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Showerkraut
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.