Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50

Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.