Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

Me: “I wish I was super hot…”

Menopause: “I got you, boo.”

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL