Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
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So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
The Struggle
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Nigella has gone too far this time.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color