Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

Growing up was a huge mistake

Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

no, no… I don’t want to be a burden

– me being a total burden

I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

pizza

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3